The Lesson….
I am so full of mixed emotions right now. Tomorrow I will be taking on the challenge of hiking up the Grouse Grind in honor of my mom. Here is a sampling of where I am at:` I feel like I want it to be over and yet I also want to appreciate the event and everything about it. I know that I have not done enough training, and yet I trust my body will get me through it. I am grateful for all of the support that I have had and also feeling the heaviness of grief. I am excited to have a night away with my husband and know my kids will be okay for the 1 night. That is the reality of where I am today.
As I ponder through all of my emotions, thoughts and reflections, I am reminded of my biggest lesson that Alzheimer’s gave me. Being on a journey with a loved one with dementia means that every moment looks different from the last and there is no predictability on what the next moment is going to look like. At first when my mom was diagnosed it took me some time to change my expectations of her and to understand fully what was really happening. After a few years of being frustrated that she didn’t understand something, or was not able to properly communicate to me what was going on, I realized that I needed to change my approach and meet her where she was at. If she was telling a story that didn’t make sense, asking a question that was not relevant to the conversation or only wanted to wash dishes over and over again, I met her there. Which meant that I took arguing out of the situation, built in time to just be, limited distractions around me, and gave her lots of smiles and laughs to let her know that I was right there with her. Meeting her where she was at was a practice and by no means was it perfect. The more and more I became aware of this special gift the more I was able to be at ease with her rather than in constant tension.
I missed the ability to have a conversation with my mom. As my children were getting older I had so many questions I wanted to ask her about parenting, what I was like at that age and what I should do when they were teen-agers. I needed a way to connect with her that did not involve verbal communication. After a bit of trial and error I discovered that she enjoyed coloring. We started with an adult coloring book and it was amazing to see how engrossed by the activity she became. I was always amazed at how staying in the lines was so important to her. We progressed from the coloring book to using a paint brush and me taping some lines and her creating some great geometric shapes on the paper. At first it was a bit odd having to help her learn how to use the paintbrush, dip it in water and then on the page. I knew though that I was meeting her where she was and that was the best way for us to connect. We could sit there for a long time just being, reminding her to dip the brush, her asking about the color and we would do this on repeat.
In all honesty it was my children who taught me this valuable lesson. I would see them interact with her, excited to show her something from their day, her not 100% understanding what was going on and them still feeling connected to her even though they might not have gotten the response they wanted. She could be silly with them and get to their level and in return my kids just accepted her for who she was……their GK.
Meeting someone where they are at in whatever journey they are on is not always easy to do. It is a practice and there are a lot of expectations that we need to let go of to be there for someone in that way. The gift when we do though is connection, peace and acceptance. It provides us with the space to see that person, for them to feel valued, seen and heard and if it is a loved one, they will feel the love.
So as I get ready to climb 800 ft in elevation I am going to make sure that I remind myself that it’s okay to be wherever I am at, to be kind to myself, and that I am loved and supported by so many people. I am grateful that Alzheimer’s has given me one of my most valued lessons of life.
Thank you to everyone who has supported me. If you would like to make a donation here is the link to my fundraising page: https://alzheimerbc.akaraisin.com/ui/climbforalzheimers22/p/momentswithmom
